What Now? By Marcela Clark

nowblog

How many times in my life have I asked myself this question? If I got a dollar bill for every time I did, I am sure by now I could retire and live the life of a millionaire; but this is not the case “NOW”.

Couple of months ago, I was in a very dark moment of my life, feeling just sad, and lost. I did not know when, how and why I have lost myself again. This happened before but I was able to put the pieces back together and blossom in the most amazing way, like the Phoenix rising from the ashes. So, I had promised myself not to let that happen again. I guess the universe had a different plan for me.

Three months before this happened, my husband and I were living in Carmel, Ca with our 2 dogs; we moved from Miami, Florida; feeling that California was more in tune with our life style. We loved nature, hiking, exploring the forests with the big red giants, going into wild beaches, maybe driving to the desert for the weekend, etc. We were dreaming of settling to start a family and this seemed just like the perfect place. Then, catastrophe happened. My husband’s father lost his life in a tragic car accident back in South Africa; where my husband is from. So with that our entire plans changed drastically. We decided to move to Cape Town, South Africa; my husband needed to be back in his home town, with family and friends, he needed to be in his father’s space to process his grievance. Initially I felt this was my duty as his life partner, to accompany him wherever he needed to go, whatever he needed to do; I thought I could be strong enough to just be there. The only problem was that I did not consider all the facts involved with moving to a new different country, let alone the sad circumstances leading us to embark on that journey. This created lost of emotional turmoil inside me. I really did not know what hit me. I felt out of place, within the space, within my own skin. I started questioning my life purpose, my wants, my needs. I did not know who to turn to since my husband was going through his own emotional chaos. In a blink of an eye, our relationship just fell apart. That was the first “What now?” moment. I felt like running without looking back. I decided to go back to my comfort zone “Miami, Fl”. Miami has been home for most of my adulthood, this city saw me grow professionally, groomed my personality, gave me the most amazing friends, saw me failed, and rise back up.

I went back home. At the airport, my two beautiful friends picked me up and gave me this watch you see on this page “NOW”. This was so symbolic for me. It was just a reminder:

-Every moment in life just happens “NOW”. it does not repeat itself.

-“NOW” is the only reality, the past is already gone and not coming back. The future does not even exist. So the only thing left that is tangible is “NOW”.

-“NOW” is a reminder, whatever is happening now is just temporary. Everything passes, the good and the bad. Life is impermanent.

I started wearing this watch during those moments of despair. Initially I did not feel it helped, but as the days went by, and I engaged in lots of self work, I got into a daily routine of exercising, spiritual practice, healthy eating and other self care activities like pampering myself with a massage session, perhaps catching up with a friend, enjoying an interesting conversation, or simply enjoying the stillness of the moment. Around the same time, I enrolled in an online program with the Institute of Integrative Nutrition (IIN). I wanted to learn more about holistic nutrition first to help myself and eventually to share the knowledge with others. Little by little that “NOW” became more and more imprinted in me; and it was everywhere, as a reminder.

One day, I woke up feeling so grateful with life; and immediately a very famous Spanish saying came to my mind “Solo por hoy” which means “Just for today”. I realized how much “NOW” was so present in that simple phrase, and how powerful that word was. That day everybody I met outside on the street, showed me a gesture of kindness, of happiness, of hope. That day, I had dinner with my friends and they all agreed to say “we got our friend back, you got your glow back, and we feel happy to share this moment with you Marce. I felt much more grateful at the end of that day, just for all those life gifts, the amazing reminders that “LIFE IS NOW”.You decide how to live it regardless of the circumstances, there is always a reason to feel grateful, an opportunity to learn, to grow.

As I got back on my two feet emotionally. I went back to South Africa to be with my husband. Two months have gone by since I arrived. Incredibly happy moments, plenty of love, laughs, but also plenty of arguments, differences, sadness, anger, frustration. All of which are just reasons to remember: this is just happening “NOW”. However I react or feel is just momentary, but there will be consequences which will determine “WHAT NOW?”.

As I am writing this article, my husband and I have decided we are better off going different ways. There is no reason to find who is guilty, who won the argument, who hurt more, who is the villain, who is the victim. Because none of those are real. Nobody won, nobody lost, we just learned. It just happened. This does not mean we do not love each other, I still do love him so much. Three months ago, when I went to Miami, I was not ready to bear in my mind the thought of not having him in my life. Today after two months back in South Africa and after the ups and downs… I feel ready to take on whatever life brings me. I am grateful for the years we spent together, for the growth, for the memories. I wish him all the best, he deserves to be happy.

I have my moments of sadness, and lots of pain, feeling the loss, and that is ok, I need to go through it, I have done it before, and here I am still standing, so I know I will not die from the pain or the sadness and I know that all this shall pass. But I am willing to live the sadness and the pain, unlike previous times where I just wanted it to go away, I did not want to feel sad, I was scared of being alone; not anymore. I know that sadness needs to be there for healing, and I know I am not alone. God is always here inside me. I am grateful because for the first time in my life, I feel moments of complete peace, of stillness, of hope. I am also grateful for this moment, because it is happening “NOW”.