I got married 8 days after I met him

free-like-a-bird

Yes, I did. But as most of my friends would say, “no surprise coming from you”, “only you would dare” and I did.

Ever since I can remember I have been in love with the idea of love. It does not matter how I manage to get into the love stories I have, I can honestly just tell you, my life has been quite  an adventure, no regrets even after going through the hardest and most painful heart breaks, I still believe in LOVE.

Always a free spirit, I believe in love regardless of the effort my mother put into making believe that love did not existed, she always said to me “never fall in love, it does not exists”; I guess I wanted to proof her wrong.

This is one of so many stories I want to share here, and I always wonder if in this world there is any other person like me.

2001 I am on my way to New York city, I got a job as a speech pathologist, my first job after graduating, first time away from home, first time living alone, my own place, excitement was awaiting to happen. I made a quick stop in Miami, to see some of my friends, we were all going through the same, independence life right after college, we felt like adults.

I went to visit my friend Daniel, he was excited to show me his new apartment in the city, he had a roommate. Daniel spoke about Samuel (his roommate) the entire time, how successful, and smart he was. As we were talking Samuel got home from work… I saw him, and I knew there was my next LOVE story. He was the one. The problem is that I knew that, he did not know it, at least not in that moment.

Next day, Samuel invited me to dinner, he cooked for Daniel and I. Our conversation turned into sharing our passion for art and traveling abroad, I felt I found my SOULMATE. The remainder of my week in Miami turned into another amazing love adventure. We saw each other every day during 5 days. On the fifth day as he was dropping me off, he say “don’t go to New York, just marry me”… I laughed and said: “are you out of your mind, we just met (but deep down inside I felt so much like him, but I did not want to admit it). Besides I am never going to get marry, I will travel the world, I am married to my suitcase”. He replied: “I never felt this way for anybody, not even during my last relationship of 6 years, I do not need time, I know you are the one”. And those were the words that made me dive in and say “yes!!! let’s do it”.

We got married on the eighth day, none of our friends believed us… some of them said, “we will give you a month, perhaps 6…” Nobody believed it was possible to fall in love like we did. We went against the odds… We were best friends, partners in crime, shared the same interests, traveled, and even venture into a business together with success.

After seven years together, when everybody finally believed that our love was actually real, we even became role models for other friends to believe in love and commitment. However, our story came to an end. Very abrupt, unexpected, and fast. Ironically enough we separated as fast as we met and fell in love.

LOVE is just an adventure, I still believe in LOVE and will never give up on it. But this story was my stepping stone to start working on the most important LOVE, SELF LOVE. That was the beginning of learning to be my best partner, treat myself in a gentle and respectful way, and just follow my truth.

I walked away from it at first feeling so scared, but once I let go the most rewarding moments came into my life.

 

 

Wild love

269932_10151632126016499_1868515433_n

Young and wild, so sweet, yet so risky. Simply unforgettable.

That is how I felt when I found Sebi. Like many other times in my life, I was not expecting anything, nor looking for it.

It was just a random night, I went out with my college friends, “girls just wanted to have fun”. As I was dancing and enjoying the moment, there he was, it was like if the entire place was just empty and he and I were the only ones there. I never thought he saw me though, but I felt like time just stopped right there. Then I found out the feeling was mutual.

He came closer, and approached me, started talking like if we knew each other for ages. My friends wanted to leave, and he offered to take me home; Immediately I said yes. What was I thinking though with all the stories you hear out there. Anyway, I tested my luck. Before taking me home, he took me on a bike ride throughout the city. I felt like a movie character living the sweet story. I never wanted that night to end.

We never got separated from that night on. Every day together, the two free spirits, He was very clear that night we met, when I asked if he had a girlfriend; his reply:”I don’t believe in labels, love is free”. Our love was wild, we could not get enough of each other. Our love became our biggest addiction, we went through ups and downs, we tried crazy things that I would not even dare to try today. Until our lives crashed, literally speaking. We tried our luck with our destiny, with our precious lives, we almost died in a really bad motorcycle accident. Both drunk, no helmets, I flew 10 meters in the air, landed on my head (severe head injury), it left me in a coma for 3 weeks; and in recovery from head, neck and feet injuries for 6 months. The doctors could not believe I made it alive and was able to recover that fast. Ironically enough I was going to school to become a speech pathologist to be able to work with head trauma victims, There I was my first patient. Sebi on the other hand suffered mild injuries.  That was our biggest wake up call, to start seeing love as a gentle reminded of life.

My parents did everything to keep me away from him, going to the States was the best option. Our love was still very alive, our connection was intense. We could even communicate to each other via vivid dreams. However, after 4 years together and due to a big geographical distance, the love story came to an end. Our friendship has remained throughout the years; 16 years later our love for each other is a caring, free and filled with acceptance of who we truly are. No need for facades, no need for judgement just a very healthy version of LOVE.

 

 

The pain of that baby that was never born

my-baby-2017

Tuesday, January 17, 2017; 6:44 pm. I feel lonely, scared, all I can see is myself falling into this deep dark hole with no return. It is the type of pain only those women who have experienced it know about. It is a silent pain. The pain of the loss of that baby that did not make it pass the first trimester.

Many may say “It was not even a baby yet”, “get over it, it was not mean to be”, “you are better off without it”. In the mean time, all I want is a hug, a word of compassion, or simply “silence”.

My body is sore, sad and tired. It was working so hard the past weeks just getting strong and healthy for this miracle of life. And then, it went on shocking mode, pure survival, perhaps natural selection, perhaps a soul purpose. I will never know, all I get from the doctor is that: your body is healthy and capable to create a baby and carry it for 9 months, but you are just part of that small percentage that don’t make it with no reason. It just happened.

Then I turn to God and ask him why? I want to know a stronger or better reason than my own desire to be a mother. I pray for his strength, and wisdom. However, right in this moment is not coming to me. I feel very lost and nowhere to turn to for answers. All I get is “it is God’s will, just accept it”.  But right now all I can do it is accept that I am in deep pain and sorrow and I am allowed to feel this way because I just lost my angel.

The magic of my  “NOW” watch is not working “NOW” to help me realize this moment is just happening “NOW”, but shall pass like everything else in life.

And so how do I find the strength? How can I get the courage and the wisdom to go on?  if you are reading this,  have been in my shoes and got out of it to a happier journey, please share with me. Because all I can share right now is my pain.

Soulmates

IMG_5622

Always ready to love, to have fun, to keep you company, to make you laugh. Unconditional love is what they know best.

Ever since I can remember, my life has been blessed with the presence of a dog. In many shapes and forms they have appeared into my life to show the maximum expression of unconditional love. Some people may not see or feel this connection between an animal and a human is anything but special, and that is fine with me as I am learning as I go along in life that my perception of things may well differ from other’s perception; and that does not mean they are wrong, I am right or vice versa. it is just a different experience a different journey which will determine how we percibe, and feel many things in life.

In this photo are Aşk and Enzo our dogs. Aşk is a five year old female Boxer and Enzo is a two and a half year old Pitbull mix. Both of them are the most gentle souls. So loving, so aware of their environment, so caring, so clever and funny.

Aşk has been with me the longest, ever since she was only thirteen months old, I insist she found me that day at the park; when I was just enjoying my roller blading. she got in my way (figuratively speaking), I was not looking for a dog, I was still mourning the lost of my dear Massimo (a beautiful greyhound rescued). However, that day Aşk decided to make the appearance in the form of the cutest and most delicious puppy. I could not resist that face; it was love at first sight. I named her Aşk which means love in turkish, because she came into my life right around a time where love was in the air. We bonded so much to even resemble each others personalities and even illnesses. Our bodies reacted the same way from our emotions. We both had skin reactions, respiratory problems, anxiety issues, you name it; and we both shared it the same time.

During those darkest moments of my emotional pain, Ashk has stood strong right next to me. Her health has always taken the biggest hit. I knew right away how our souls were so connected. She was clearly my soulmate. She would even develop a medical condition even before I realized what was happening to me emotionally. She gave me warnings with her body. She was my rock during those tough moments. Always there kissing me, cheering me up with her cuteness, letting me know she was there for the long run and we were going to overcome anything together with the best cure of all: LOVE.

Then Enzo appeared into our lives. A very alive, energetic and always hungry puppy. We thought we rescued him from a very bad situation. But the reality was the opposite, he rescued us from not being able to stay present and enjoying the moment. He gave my husband and I a chance to be there in the “NOW”. Have fun, run, chase him around… He gave us a chance to experience unconditional “LOVE” again. Two and a half years later, he is strong, very protective but with a special gentle touch; he gets constant reminders that he not a puppy anymore. However, we are all still in denial; including him.

With the family growing, different roles were adopted. Aşk became our matriarch. She would always be so inquisitive, connecting her eyes with your eyes without a blink until she got an acceptable answer. Enzo Became the muscle, the protector, but still the puppy that needed lots of cuddles in the morning to start the day right; otherwise big sulking was his way to express if he got the wrong dosage of morning “LOVE”.

Today, as I am processing the end of my marriage. I am already feeling the sadness of knowing that in a couple of days Aşk and I will depart to continue with our journey somewhere else. While Enzo and my ex-husband will continue with their lives without us. I am really sad, as I write this blog. Some of you will understand this pain, some won’t; and that’s ok… because I am the only one who is physically and emotionally living this story. This is my emotional loss. The connection I shared with my dogs is beyond human explanation. To me, it is at the soul level and that is why I know they are my soulmates.

I will cherish the beautiful memories, because regardless of the physical separation. The feelings and what we shared will come with me everywhere. It will stay in my heart forever. I am so grateful I got to experience their love. We will stay connected with our souls, because that is what SOULMATES do.

Love your pet, show them you care. Give them attention, listen to them. Trust me they will appreciate it and you will too when they are no longer here with us. See through their eyes and connect with their SOUL. If you are reading this feeling you can relate, know that you found a SOULMATE too.