Tuesday, January 17, 2017; 6:44 pm. I feel lonely, scared, all I can see is myself falling into this deep dark hole with no return. It is the type of pain only those women who have experienced it know about. It is a silent pain. The pain of the loss of that baby that did not make it pass the first trimester.
Many may say “It was not even a baby yet”, “get over it, it was not mean to be”, “you are better off without it”. In the mean time, all I want is a hug, a word of compassion, or simply “silence”.
My body is sore, sad and tired. It was working so hard the past weeks just getting strong and healthy for this miracle of life. And then, it went on shocking mode, pure survival, perhaps natural selection, perhaps a soul purpose. I will never know, all I get from the doctor is that: your body is healthy and capable to create a baby and carry it for 9 months, but you are just part of that small percentage that don’t make it with no reason. It just happened.
Then I turn to God and ask him why? I want to know a stronger or better reason than my own desire to be a mother. I pray for his strength, and wisdom. However, right in this moment is not coming to me. I feel very lost and nowhere to turn to for answers. All I get is “it is God’s will, just accept it”. But right now all I can do it is accept that I am in deep pain and sorrow and I am allowed to feel this way because I just lost my angel.
The magic of my “NOW” watch is not working “NOW” to help me realize this moment is just happening “NOW”, but shall pass like everything else in life.
And so how do I find the strength? How can I get the courage and the wisdom to go on? if you are reading this, have been in my shoes and got out of it to a happier journey, please share with me. Because all I can share right now is my pain.