The pain of that baby that was never born

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Tuesday, January 17, 2017; 6:44 pm. I feel lonely, scared, all I can see is myself falling into this deep dark hole with no return. It is the type of pain only those women who have experienced it know about. It is a silent pain. The pain of the loss of that baby that did not make it pass the first trimester.

Many may say “It was not even a baby yet”, “get over it, it was not mean to be”, “you are better off without it”. In the mean time, all I want is a hug, a word of compassion, or simply “silence”.

My body is sore, sad and tired. It was working so hard the past weeks just getting strong and healthy for this miracle of life. And then, it went on shocking mode, pure survival, perhaps natural selection, perhaps a soul purpose. I will never know, all I get from the doctor is that: your body is healthy and capable to create a baby and carry it for 9 months, but you are just part of that small percentage that don’t make it with no reason. It just happened.

Then I turn to God and ask him why? I want to know a stronger or better reason than my own desire to be a mother. I pray for his strength, and wisdom. However, right in this moment is not coming to me. I feel very lost and nowhere to turn to for answers. All I get is “it is God’s will, just accept it”.  But right now all I can do it is accept that I am in deep pain and sorrow and I am allowed to feel this way because I just lost my angel.

The magic of my  “NOW” watch is not working “NOW” to help me realize this moment is just happening “NOW”, but shall pass like everything else in life.

And so how do I find the strength? How can I get the courage and the wisdom to go on?  if you are reading this,  have been in my shoes and got out of it to a happier journey, please share with me. Because all I can share right now is my pain.

Soulmates

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Always ready to love, to have fun, to keep you company, to make you laugh. Unconditional love is what they know best.

Ever since I can remember, my life has been blessed with the presence of a dog. In many shapes and forms they have appeared into my life to show the maximum expression of unconditional love. Some people may not see or feel this connection between an animal and a human is anything but special, and that is fine with me as I am learning as I go along in life that my perception of things may well differ from other’s perception; and that does not mean they are wrong, I am right or vice versa. it is just a different experience a different journey which will determine how we percibe, and feel many things in life.

In this photo are Aşk and Enzo our dogs. Aşk is a five year old female Boxer and Enzo is a two and a half year old Pitbull mix. Both of them are the most gentle souls. So loving, so aware of their environment, so caring, so clever and funny.

Aşk has been with me the longest, ever since she was only thirteen months old, I insist she found me that day at the park; when I was just enjoying my roller blading. she got in my way (figuratively speaking), I was not looking for a dog, I was still mourning the lost of my dear Massimo (a beautiful greyhound rescued). However, that day Aşk decided to make the appearance in the form of the cutest and most delicious puppy. I could not resist that face; it was love at first sight. I named her Aşk which means love in turkish, because she came into my life right around a time where love was in the air. We bonded so much to even resemble each others personalities and even illnesses. Our bodies reacted the same way from our emotions. We both had skin reactions, respiratory problems, anxiety issues, you name it; and we both shared it the same time.

During those darkest moments of my emotional pain, Ashk has stood strong right next to me. Her health has always taken the biggest hit. I knew right away how our souls were so connected. She was clearly my soulmate. She would even develop a medical condition even before I realized what was happening to me emotionally. She gave me warnings with her body. She was my rock during those tough moments. Always there kissing me, cheering me up with her cuteness, letting me know she was there for the long run and we were going to overcome anything together with the best cure of all: LOVE.

Then Enzo appeared into our lives. A very alive, energetic and always hungry puppy. We thought we rescued him from a very bad situation. But the reality was the opposite, he rescued us from not being able to stay present and enjoying the moment. He gave my husband and I a chance to be there in the “NOW”. Have fun, run, chase him around… He gave us a chance to experience unconditional “LOVE” again. Two and a half years later, he is strong, very protective but with a special gentle touch; he gets constant reminders that he not a puppy anymore. However, we are all still in denial; including him.

With the family growing, different roles were adopted. Aşk became our matriarch. She would always be so inquisitive, connecting her eyes with your eyes without a blink until she got an acceptable answer. Enzo Became the muscle, the protector, but still the puppy that needed lots of cuddles in the morning to start the day right; otherwise big sulking was his way to express if he got the wrong dosage of morning “LOVE”.

Today, as I am processing the end of my marriage. I am already feeling the sadness of knowing that in a couple of days Aşk and I will depart to continue with our journey somewhere else. While Enzo and my ex-husband will continue with their lives without us. I am really sad, as I write this blog. Some of you will understand this pain, some won’t; and that’s ok… because I am the only one who is physically and emotionally living this story. This is my emotional loss. The connection I shared with my dogs is beyond human explanation. To me, it is at the soul level and that is why I know they are my soulmates.

I will cherish the beautiful memories, because regardless of the physical separation. The feelings and what we shared will come with me everywhere. It will stay in my heart forever. I am so grateful I got to experience their love. We will stay connected with our souls, because that is what SOULMATES do.

Love your pet, show them you care. Give them attention, listen to them. Trust me they will appreciate it and you will too when they are no longer here with us. See through their eyes and connect with their SOUL. If you are reading this feeling you can relate, know that you found a SOULMATE too.

 

 

 

 

What Now? By Marcela Clark

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How many times in my life have I asked myself this question? If I got a dollar bill for every time I did, I am sure by now I could retire and live the life of a millionaire; but this is not the case “NOW”.

Couple of months ago, I was in a very dark moment of my life, feeling just sad, and lost. I did not know when, how and why I have lost myself again. This happened before but I was able to put the pieces back together and blossom in the most amazing way, like the Phoenix rising from the ashes. So, I had promised myself not to let that happen again. I guess the universe had a different plan for me.

Three months before this happened, my husband and I were living in Carmel, Ca with our 2 dogs; we moved from Miami, Florida; feeling that California was more in tune with our life style. We loved nature, hiking, exploring the forests with the big red giants, going into wild beaches, maybe driving to the desert for the weekend, etc. We were dreaming of settling to start a family and this seemed just like the perfect place. Then, catastrophe happened. My husband’s father lost his life in a tragic car accident back in South Africa; where my husband is from. So with that our entire plans changed drastically. We decided to move to Cape Town, South Africa; my husband needed to be back in his home town, with family and friends, he needed to be in his father’s space to process his grievance. Initially I felt this was my duty as his life partner, to accompany him wherever he needed to go, whatever he needed to do; I thought I could be strong enough to just be there. The only problem was that I did not consider all the facts involved with moving to a new different country, let alone the sad circumstances leading us to embark on that journey. This created lost of emotional turmoil inside me. I really did not know what hit me. I felt out of place, within the space, within my own skin. I started questioning my life purpose, my wants, my needs. I did not know who to turn to since my husband was going through his own emotional chaos. In a blink of an eye, our relationship just fell apart. That was the first “What now?” moment. I felt like running without looking back. I decided to go back to my comfort zone “Miami, Fl”. Miami has been home for most of my adulthood, this city saw me grow professionally, groomed my personality, gave me the most amazing friends, saw me failed, and rise back up.

I went back home. At the airport, my two beautiful friends picked me up and gave me this watch you see on this page “NOW”. This was so symbolic for me. It was just a reminder:

-Every moment in life just happens “NOW”. it does not repeat itself.

-“NOW” is the only reality, the past is already gone and not coming back. The future does not even exist. So the only thing left that is tangible is “NOW”.

-“NOW” is a reminder, whatever is happening now is just temporary. Everything passes, the good and the bad. Life is impermanent.

I started wearing this watch during those moments of despair. Initially I did not feel it helped, but as the days went by, and I engaged in lots of self work, I got into a daily routine of exercising, spiritual practice, healthy eating and other self care activities like pampering myself with a massage session, perhaps catching up with a friend, enjoying an interesting conversation, or simply enjoying the stillness of the moment. Around the same time, I enrolled in an online program with the Institute of Integrative Nutrition (IIN). I wanted to learn more about holistic nutrition first to help myself and eventually to share the knowledge with others. Little by little that “NOW” became more and more imprinted in me; and it was everywhere, as a reminder.

One day, I woke up feeling so grateful with life; and immediately a very famous Spanish saying came to my mind “Solo por hoy” which means “Just for today”. I realized how much “NOW” was so present in that simple phrase, and how powerful that word was. That day everybody I met outside on the street, showed me a gesture of kindness, of happiness, of hope. That day, I had dinner with my friends and they all agreed to say “we got our friend back, you got your glow back, and we feel happy to share this moment with you Marce. I felt much more grateful at the end of that day, just for all those life gifts, the amazing reminders that “LIFE IS NOW”.You decide how to live it regardless of the circumstances, there is always a reason to feel grateful, an opportunity to learn, to grow.

As I got back on my two feet emotionally. I went back to South Africa to be with my husband. Two months have gone by since I arrived. Incredibly happy moments, plenty of love, laughs, but also plenty of arguments, differences, sadness, anger, frustration. All of which are just reasons to remember: this is just happening “NOW”. However I react or feel is just momentary, but there will be consequences which will determine “WHAT NOW?”.

As I am writing this article, my husband and I have decided we are better off going different ways. There is no reason to find who is guilty, who won the argument, who hurt more, who is the villain, who is the victim. Because none of those are real. Nobody won, nobody lost, we just learned. It just happened. This does not mean we do not love each other, I still do love him so much. Three months ago, when I went to Miami, I was not ready to bear in my mind the thought of not having him in my life. Today after two months back in South Africa and after the ups and downs… I feel ready to take on whatever life brings me. I am grateful for the years we spent together, for the growth, for the memories. I wish him all the best, he deserves to be happy.

I have my moments of sadness, and lots of pain, feeling the loss, and that is ok, I need to go through it, I have done it before, and here I am still standing, so I know I will not die from the pain or the sadness and I know that all this shall pass. But I am willing to live the sadness and the pain, unlike previous times where I just wanted it to go away, I did not want to feel sad, I was scared of being alone; not anymore. I know that sadness needs to be there for healing, and I know I am not alone. God is always here inside me. I am grateful because for the first time in my life, I feel moments of complete peace, of stillness, of hope. I am also grateful for this moment, because it is happening “NOW”.